Akatsuki Productions Presents: Avenue Q
by AlexexHazeljvUnite
Summary: The Akatsuki are putting on a production of Avenue Q with characters from Naruto, Total Drama Island and Fullmetal Alchemist. Hopefully not TOO many things will go wrong... [DISCONTINUED]
1. It Sucks To Be Me

**Alex: HEY THERE, SPORTS FANS... Wait...**

**Hazel: -face palm- Wrong intro, Alex...**

**Alex: Right... HEY THERE, ANIME/CARTOON/MUSICAL FANS!**

**Hazel: -_- Good enough...**

**Here is our next crack idea. An Avenue Q/Naruto/Total Drama Island/Fullmetal Alchemist cross-over. **

**Basically, the Akatsuki are putting on a production of Avenue Q. Some OOCness, especially when people are in Avenue Q character.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own it. Whatever 'it' may be.**

Chapter One

"Places everyone! The show starts in twenty minutes!" Itachi yelled. Sasuke glared at his brother.

"WHERE DID NARUTO GO, YEAH?" Deidara yelled. There was a crash from somewhere.

"NARUTO! YOU IDIOT! THE SHOW'S ABOUT TO START!" Sakura yelled, pulling a battered Naruto on stage by his ear.

"Why did we agree to help with this disaster?" Sasori grumbled, adjusting some lights.

"Did YOU want to say no to Tsunade, un?" Deidara snapped, touching up on of the sets with a small jar of paint.

"Point taken." Sasori sighed.

"This is going to be horrendous." Gaara grumbled as he passed by with Shino, carrying a bunch of camera equipment.

"Yes, it is. And we will have it on film." Shino agreed. Gaara smirked.

"I swear, if Naruto destroys _one _more set, I am going to disembowel him." Gwen growled, as she painted a wrecked set.

"D-Don't s-say t-that." Hinata stammered, sewing up a tear in Naruto's costume.

"It's true. Why am I even here?" Neji replied, sighing.

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A GOOD BOY!" Tobi yelled, hyperly.

"Tobi, SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MOTHERFUCKING MORON!" Hidan shouted, holding a hammer up offensively. Tobi didn't seem to notice.

"TEN MINUTES!" Itachi's voice boomed over the din backstage.

"The place is packed!" Trent announced as he, Beth, Winry Rockbell and Alphonse Elric appeared backstage.

"SOMEONE GET EDWARD AND IZZY, YEAH!" Deidara ordered.

"Al and I will find them." Winry said, dragging Alphonse toward the dressing rooms.

"Where did Tenten and Kakashi get to?" Sasori questioned.

"Kakashi's probably hiding somewhere with his porn book." Itachi sneered.

"IT'S NOT PORN! It's mature literature." Kakashi said defensively, appearing beside Itachi.

"PORN!" Everyone in hearing-range yelled. Kakashi scowled, but said nothing.

"WINRY! You didn't need to hit me over the head with a wrench!" Edward whined, rubbing a bump on his forehead as Alphonse and Winry led him and Izzy to the stage.

"Yes, I did." Winry replied cheerfully. Alphonse sighed, but said nothing, fearing the blond's wrath.

"TWO MINUTES! GET YOUR ASSES IN PLACE!" Itachi roared. Unnerved, everyone in scene one scurried to their respective marks. Kiba sighed, pulling nervously on his blue graduation gown.

_"Do do dooooo!_

_Ba da baaaaaa!_

_Do do dooooo-whoa!_

_Ba da baaaaaa-aahhh!"_ The rest of the cast sang offstage, as the crew went about their respective preparations.

_"The sun is shining,_

_It's lovely day._

_The perfect morning,_

_For a kid to play._

_But you've got lots of bills to pay._

_What can you doooooo?_

_You work real hard,_

_And the pays real low._

_And every hour goes oh, so slow._

_And at the end of the day,_

_There's nowhere to goooooo!_

_But home to Avenue Q!_

_You live on Avenue Q,_

_Your friends do too._

_Yooooouuuu, are, twenty-two!_

_And you live on Avenue Q!_

_You live on Avenue Q!_

_You live on Avenue Q!"_

The audiece applauded as the set finished getting into position behind the curtains.

"Keep still and get ready, we're about to open the curtains." Itachi snapped, signalling to Tobi. Tobi grinned and tugged on a thick rope, hauling open the curtains. Then Konan began conducting the band. For A single spotlight shone onto the stage, illuminating Kiba.

"_What do you do with a B.A. In English,_

_What is my life going to be?_

_Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,_

_Have earned me this useless degree._

_I can't pay the bills yet, _

_'Cause I have no skills yet,_

_The world is a big scary place._

_But somehow I can't shake,_

_The feeling I might make,_

_A difference,_

_To the human race..._"

Kiba walked off stage, as the audience applauded, to grin at everyone he could see. "I did it!" He said triumphantly, punching the air.

"Yeah, yeah, go get changed." Itachi said, waving Kiba off as light flooded the stage and doorways set into a building appeared. Sakura and Neji walked out from two of the doors. Neji was carrying a trash bag.

"Morning, Brian!" Sakura chirped with a wave. Neji put the trash bag in a garbage bin before looking at Sakura

"Hi, Kate Monster." He said, his voice sounded unrecognizable. It sounded... Happy... and very Not-Neji like.

"How's life?" Sakura questioned, leaning forward slightly.

"Disappointing." Neji replied, his happy voice going somber.

"What's the matter?" Sakura asked as she and Neji took a few steps toward the front of the stage.

"The catering company laid me off." Neji said with an over-exaggerated shrug.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Sakura gave Neji a sympathetic look. Neji nodded.

"Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought..."

"What?" Sakura pressed.

"No, it sounds stupid." Neji shook his head.

"Aw, come on!"

"_**When I was little,**_

_**I thought I would be..**_**.**" Neji began.

"_What?_" Sakura's eyebrows rose.

"_**A big comedian,**_

_**On late night TV.**_" Neji paused as Sakura giggled.

"_**But now I'm thirty-two,**_

_**And as you can see,**_

_**I'm not.**_"

"_Nope_."

"_**Oh well,**_

_**It sucks to be me**_."

"_No..._"

"_**It sucks to be me**_."

"_No!_"

"_**It sucks to be broke,**_

_**and unemployed,**_

_**and turning thirty-three,**_

_**It sucks to be me.**_"

"_Oh, you think your life sucks?_" Sakura said, her tone challenging.

"_**I think so.**_"

"_Your problems aren't so bad!_

_I'm kinda pretty,_

_and pretty damn smart._"

"_**You are**_."

"_Thanks!_

_I like romantic things,_

_Like music and art._

_And as you know, _

_I have a gigantic heart._

_So why don't I have_

_A boyfriend?_

_Fuck! _

_It sucks to be me_."

"_**Me too**_."

"_It sucks to be me."_

"**It sucks to be me.**

**It sucks to be Brian...**"

"_And Kate_."

"**To not have a job!**"

"_To not have a date_!"

"_**It sucks to be me!**_" They both finished as Naruto and Sasuke walked onto the stage, arguing.

"Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us? Do you have a minute?" Neji asked the pair.

"Ah, certainly." Sasuke (Rod) said.

"Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?" Sakura asked.

"OURS!" Sasuke and Naruto yelled at the same time.

"_We live together_." Sasuke said.

"_We're close as people can get._" Naruto piped up.

"_We've been the best of buddies..._"

"_Ever since the day we met._"

"_So he knows lots of way to make me really upset! _

_Oh! Every day is an aggravation..._"

"_Come on, that's an exaggeration_."

"_You leave your clothes out,_

_You put your feet on my chair_."

"_Oh yeah?_

_You do such anal things,_

_like ironing your underwear!_" Neji and Sakura laughed.

"I don't think they are acting anymore..." Sasori murmured to Itachi as Sasuke and Naruto glared at each other.

"_You make the very small apartment we share,_

_A hell!_"

"_So do you!_

_That's why I'm _

_In hell too!_"

"_It sucks to be me!_" Sasuke exclaimed.

"_No, it sucks to be me!_" Naruto disagreed.

"_It sucks to be me!_" Sakura chimed in.

"_It sucks to be me!_" Neji added.

"_Is there anyone here is doesn't suck to be?_

_It sucks to be me!_" They all yelled.

"TENTEN, YOU'RE ON!" Deidara called into the dressing rooms.

"I'M COMING!" Tenten yelled, running out and then calmly walking onto her and 'Brian's' apartment set piece.

_"Da da da da daaaa! Daaa, daaa! _

_Da da da da daaaa! Daaa, daaa!"_ The four members on stage sang, dancing around and skipping in a circle.

"BRIAAAAN!" Tenten boomed, in a thick Japanese accent, as she popped out of the window of the set piece. She glared down at Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke, and Neji as they froze. She closed the window as the four shrugged, and skipped in a circle once more.

_"Da da da da daaaa! Daaa, daaa! _

_Da da da da daaaa! Daaa, daaa!"_

"Why you all so happy?" Tenten (Christmas Eve) asked as she exited the set piece.

"Because our lives suck!" Neji replied, happily.

"_Your lives suck?_

_I hearing you correctly? Ha!_

_I come into this country for opportunities._

_Tried to work in Korean Deli,_

_But I am Japanese._

_But with hard work,_

_I earn two Master's Degrees._

_In social work!_

_And now I am therapist!_

_But I have no clients!_

_And I have an_

_Unemployed fiance!" _Tenten paused to walk over to Neji.

"_And we have lots. Of. Bills To. Pay." _Tenten poked Neji once in the chest with every word and Neji backed away slightly.

"_It suck to be me!_

_It suck to be me_

_I say, It_

_Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka_

_Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka_

_Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka_

_Suck!_

_It suck to be me!" _Tenten finished. Kiba walked onto the stage, looking around before settling his gaze on Neji, Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto and Tenten.

"Excuse me?" Kiba asked. Everyone looked at him.

"Hey there." Neji said.

"Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live." Kiba said, sounding slightly sheepish.

"Why you looking all the way out here?" Tenten asked.

"Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out of my price range. But this neighbourhood looks a lot cheaper! Oh, and look! A 'For Rent' sign!" Kiba exclaimed happily.

"You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him." Neji offered, walking over to a metal staircase.

"Great, thanks!" Kiba grinned.

"**YO! GARY!**" Neji yelled, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"LESHAWNA!" Itachi yelled. LeShawna sighed and ran up some stairs to a platform behind the building scene.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" LeShawna yelled, walking out onto the top of the steps.

"Oh my god! It's Gary Coleman!" Kiba said in awe. LeShawna nodded enthusiastically. LeShawna began slowly walking down the stairs.

"Yes I am!

_I'm Gary Coleman,_

_From TV's Diff'rent Strokes._

_I made a lot of money,_

_That got stolen by my folks!_

_Now I'm broke_

_And I'm the butt of everyone's jokes._

_But I'm here,_

_The Superintendent!_

_On Avenue Q..." _LeShawna held the last note for a minute.

"_It sucks to be you!_" Everyone sang, pointing at LeShawna

"_You win!_" Sakura sang.

"_It sucks to be you!_" Everyone sang again.

"_I feel better now!_" Neji grinned.

"_Try having people __stopping__ you, _

_To ask you,_

'What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?'" She chirped cocking her head to the side, and mimmicing 'fans'. She stared out into the audience boredly.

"It gets old."

LeShawna joined the others on stage and they started dancing.

"_It sucks to be you!_

_On Avenue Q!_

_(It sucks to be me!)_

_On Avenue Q!_

_(It sucks to be you!)_

_On Avenue Q!_

_(It sucks to be us!)_

_But not when we're together!_

_We're together!_

_Here, on Avenue Q!_

_We live on Avenue Q!_

_Our friends do too!_

_'Til our dreams come true,_

_We live on Avenue Q!_" Everyone sang as they danced.

"_This is real life!_" Kiba sounded bewildered.

"_We live on Avenue Q!_" They all sang.

"_You're gonna love it!_" Naruto exclaimed to Kiba.

"_We live on Avenue Q!_" They sang in unison.

"_Here's your keys!_" LeShawna handed a key ring to Kiba.

"_Welcome to Avenue Q!_" Everyone gathered around Kiba as the song ended. The crowd erupted into applause, much to the cast's excitement.

Once the applause died down, Sasuke and Naruto exited stage right. Neji turned to Kiba, and nodded to him.

"So, uh, what's your name?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm Princeton." Kiba grinned.

Neji smiled, and pat him on the back. "Hey buddy, I'm Brian, and this is my fiancée." He added, gesturing towards Tenten.

"My name Christmas Eve." She smiled. After a few seconds, she walked over to Kiba and started to look him up and down.

"You _so _cute, _veryyy_y handsome. You single?"

Neji narrowed his eyes at Kiba, as he chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck bashfully.

"Yeah..." He replied.

Before Neji could intervene, Tenten smiled and gestured to Sakura. "Because... She single..." She hinted.

Sakura 'blushed' and cleared her throat. "Ohhh! Christmas _Eve!_" She gasped.

Neji grinned and wrapped his arm around Tenten as he added, "That's Kate Monster! She lives in our building!"

"Oh, hi." Kiba smiled, and shook Sakura's hand.

"...Hi!" She replied, giggling slightly.

Suddenly, the window on the furthest window the right swung open and Kakashi grunted as he tossed out a trash bag.

"Trekkie!" LeShawna scolded, scowling.

"Mornin' Trekkie!" Neji called.

"Oh, me have no time to talk. Me busssssaaayyy..." He chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, before slamming the window shut and retreating to his apartment.

"And that's Trekkie Monster." Neji said to Kiba.

"He a pervert, you no spending time with him." Tenten added, crinkling her nose in distaste.

"Come on inside kid, I'll show you the place." LeShawna offered, heading towards the apartment with the For Rent sign.

"Oh, great!" Kiba chirped, following LeShawna offstage.

Once they were gone, Tenten walked over to Sakura and smiled.

"So, what you think Kate Monster? He cute, right?"

"...Yeah." Sakura grinned, chuckling slightly.

"Ahhh, you go get him! A man responds to an aggressive woman." She stated, before turning to Neji and glaring. She pointed to him as her glare deepened.

"**YOU! GO GET JOB!**" She ordered.

"AHH! I'll get right on it!" Neji exclaimed, scared as he backed up quickly, before running offstage.

Tenten turned and smiled at Sakura.

"See?"

Two two laughed and walked offstage, as the lights dimmed and Konan started to play them off as the scene began to change to the inside of an apartment.

"T-That w-was r-really g-good, N-Naruto..." Hinata said to the blond offstage, blushing and poking her index fingers together.

"Thanks Hinata!" Naruto grinned at the Hyuuga before going to get ready for the next scene.

"When do we come in?" Edward asked Izzy, sounding impatient. The ginger just shrugged and began babbling about explosives.

"Alright, everyone get ready! _If You Were Gay _is next!" Itachi commanded as everyone scrambled to prepare for the next scene.

**Hazel: Okay, I swear to god, It Sucks To Be Me NEVER ends!**

**Alex: LOL, it sucks to be you, Hazel!**

**Hazel: -_- Alex, get in the corner. Now.**

**Alex: -grumbles and sulks in corner-**

**Hazel: I promise that we'll update our other cross-over soon! I had most of it done on paper but...**

**Alex: THEN SHE LOST THE PAPER AND SHE HAS TO START OVER!**

**Hazel: I'M SORRY! OKAY? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?**

**Alex: 1 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 times.**

**Hazel: -sighs-**

**Alex: REVIEW!**


	2. If You Were Gay

**Hazel: Sorry this is so late...**

**Alex: Hazel, if you were gay...**

**Hazel: Alex, I love Gaara. I am definitely straight.**

**Alex: Yes, but it you WERE gay...**

**Hazel: OH, SHUT UP!**

**Alex: That'd be okay...**

**Hazel: Alex-**

**Alex: I mean 'cause hey! I'd like you-**

**Hazel: ALEX, SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I DISEMBOWEL YOU!**

**Alex: Sheesh! Who sprinkled bitch into YOUR cereal this morning!**

**Hazel: YOU did.**

**Alex: Heh, oh yeah. :)**

**Disclaimer: Do we look like Masashi Kishimoto, whoever owns Avenue Q or a animated cow with glasses (FMA author, I forget her name...)? No. We don't.**

**Or DO we...? DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUH!**

**Hazel: ALEX, GET THE FUCK OUT!**

**Alex: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'M GOING! GOD!**

Chapter Two

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BROTHER?" Itachi yelled, two minutes after the next scene was supposed to start, looking around at the cast. Everyone either shrugged or scurried away, hoping to avoid the Uchiha's wrath.

"I think the stress is getting to him..." Gaara muttered to Sasori. Sasori nodded.

"Or he just finally snapped. I swear this is the first time he's had emotion in ten years." The taller redhead commented.

"HEY, GINGER ONE AND GINGER TWO, GO FIND SASUKE!" Itachi yelled, glaring at Gaara and Sasori.

"Technically, I'm pretty sure we're not ginger. If anyone is a ginger here it's Pein or Izzy." Sasori stated, looking bored.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! **GO!**" Itachi's hand twitched and his sharingan looked a little more menacing than usual. Sasori and Gaara sighed in unison and went to look for the younger Uchiha.

They found him in his dressing room, in full costume, sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. When they walked in he sent them a harsh glare.

"What the hell do you want?" He snapped. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"The scene was supposed to start three minutes ago, what the fuck are you doing?" He asked, his tone calm.

"I'm not doing this song. It's ridiculous and enough people think I'm gay already." Sasuke grumbled, crossing his arms.

"Stop acting like a brat, it's just a musical." Gaara said. Sasori sighed as Sasuke stood up and began heading for the door.

"Sasori... Are you controlling me with you're fucking chakra strings?" Sasuke growled, craning his neck to look at the smug puppet master behind him.

"You bet I am. Let's go." Sasori said, walking out behind Sasuke. Gaara watched them leave, blinking, and then followed.

"NARUTO AND SASUKE, GET YOUR ASSES ON STAGE BEFORE I PUT YOU IN AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION AND TORTURE YOU FOR A YEAR!" Itachi fumed. Naruto yelped and scrambled away while Sasuke growled something along the lines of 'Fucking Bastard' and followed the blond.

Sasuke walked onto the apartment set and sat on the couch, a book under his arm.

"Ah, an afternoon alone with my favourite book: Broadway Musicals of the 1940s. No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?" He said, his voice ridiculously high as he opened the book. Then the door opened and Naruto walked in.

"Oh! Hi Rod!" He said, grinning.

"Hi Nicky." Sasuke deadpanned, his eye twitching ever-so-slightly.

"Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning! This guy was smiling at me, and talking to me..."

"Mhm, that's very interesting." Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"He was being _reeeaaal _friendly. And, I think he was coming on to me. I think he might have thought that I... was _gay_..." Naruto continued, shocked. Sasuke cleared his throat, sounding slightly uncomfortable.

"So, uh, why are you telling me this? Huh? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?"

"Well you don't have to get all defensive-"

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE! Why do I care about some gay guy you met? Okay? I am _trying_ to _read._" Sasuke exclaimed, flipping a page in the book for emphasis.

"Well I didn't _mean_ anything by it, Rod. I just think it is something _we_ should be able to talk about."

"Well I do not want to talk about it, Nicky. This conversation is over." Sasuke said, a little too quickly. Naruto frowned.

"Yeah, but Rod-"

"OVER!"

"Well, okay... But just so you know...

**If you were gay,**

**That'd be okay.**

**I mean 'cause hey,**

**I'd like you anyway.**

**Because you see, **

**If it were me,**

**I'd feel free to say**

**That I was gay.**

**But I'm not gay**_."_

"Nicky, please! I am trying to REEEEAAAAD-UH!" Sasuke grumbled, shoving his nose into the book, a scowl lighting up his features. Naruto pouted, before twirling around his fingers expectantly, as if waiting for something. Surely enough, Sasuke with an annoyed expression on his face looked up from the book he was reading, meeting Naruto's gaze. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Ugh, _what_?"

"**If you were queer,**"

"Oh, Nicky...!"

"**I'd still be here.**"

"Nicky, I am trying to read this book!"

"**Year after year,**"

"_Nicky_!"

"**Because you're dear to me.**"

"Ugh." Sasuke growled, crossing the stage, turning away from Naruto and shoving his nose in the book once more.

"**And I know that you,**" Naruto continued singing, pursuing Sasuke with the everlasting smile still shining brightly on his face.

"What?" Sasuke asked, apprehensively turning towards him.

"**Would accept me too,**"

"I would?"

"**If I told you today,**

**'Hey, guess what? I'm gay!'**

**(But I'm not gay)**"

Naruto paused for a moment before continuing.

"**I'm happy **

**Just being with you.**" Naruto sung, skipping around a red-faced Sasuke, smiling.

"High button shoes, Pal Joey..." Sasuke stage-grumbled, trying his best to ignore the blonde.

"**So what should **

**It matter to me, **

**What you do **

**In bed with guys?**"

"Nicky, that is GROSS!" Sasuke shrieked, glaring at Naruto.

"**No it's not!**

**If you were gay,**" Naruto sang broadly, throwing his arms out and doing the can-can as the crowd laughed. He paused as Sasuke groaned.

"**I'd shout, HOORAY!**"

"I am NOT listening!"

"**And** **here I'd stay,**"

"La la la la _la_!"

"**But I wouldn't get**

**In your way!**"

"AAAAAAAH!"

"**You can count on me**

**To always BEEEEEE!**

**Beside you every day...**" He grinned, wrapping an arm around the fuming Uchiha. Sasuke's eye began to twitch.

"**To tell you it's okay,**

**You were just _born_ that way!**

**And, as they say,**

**It's in your DNA,**

**You're gaaaaaaaaaaay!**" Naruto finished, holding the last note earning thunderous applause from the audience.

"I AM _NOT_ GAY**!**" Sasuke roared, shoving Naruto off of him.

"**If you **_**were**_ **gay.**" Naruto pointed out, holding up a finger factually.

"AH!" Sasuke groaned, slamming his head into the novel.

The curtain then closed to thunderous applause. Naruto grinned as he walked off the stage. Sasuke stalked off beside him, fuming slightly.

"That was AWESOME!" Naruto announced, pumping his fist in the air. Sasuke glared at him.

"That was _embarrassing_." He scowled, crossing his arms.

"SASUKE, IF YOU EVER REFUSE TO DO A SCENE AGAIN, I'LL LET HIDAN SACRIFICE YOU TO HIS CREEPY GOD!" Itachi roared, grabbing his younger brother by the collar and shaking him roughly. Sasuke just growled and disappeared.

"Itachi..." Pein said in a warning tone. Itachi scowled.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... OKAY EVERYONE, GET READY FOR 'PURPOSE' AND 'EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT RACIST'!" He commanded. Everyone began scrambling around.

"Seriously, are we even IN this musical?" Edward groaned, leaning against the wall. Izzy shrugged, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Brother, please be patient. If Winry hears you whining she'll..." Alphonse was cut off when a large wrench slammed into his brother's head. "Brother!"

"Ugh... WINRY! WHAT THE HELL?" Ed yelled, rubbing a large bump on his forehead. Winry stood a few feet away, her arms crossed and another wrench in her hand.

"Stop complaining! Why can't you entertain yourself like Iz..." Winry trailed off when she saw Izzy, who seemed to be singing gibberish and picking god-only-knows-what out of the air. "... Never mind."

**Hazel: LOL, I love writing for the FMA characters...**

**Ed: I hate you. **

**Hazel: I love you too! -hugs Ed-**

**Alex: ... O.o ... OMFG, WHO GAVE HAZEL METH?**

**Hazel: ... I'm not on drugs...**

**Alex: ... Oh. REVIEW SO HAZEL WILL WRITE FASTER!**

**Hazel: . Shut up Alex...**


	3. Purpose & Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

**Alex: *hiding behind Hazel***

**Hazel: Alex. Get your lazy ass out here now, and stop hiding behind me like a motherfucker.**

**Alex: NO. *pouts* You're gonna yell at me. **

**Hazel: I'M ALREADY YELLING AT YOU, BITCH!**

**Alex: *voice reaches unnaturally high octave* I'M SORRY! **

**Hazel: *grabs her shoulder and shoves her forward* NO YOU'RE NOT. NOT **_**YET. **_**YOU PASSED SORRY **_**FOUR FUCKING MONTHS AGO!**_

**Alex: I'M SORRY! I've been busy-**

**Hazel: -being a motherfucker, now just say the fucking disclaimer! BEFORE I SHOOT YOUR SORRY ASS!**

**Alex: *pouts***

**Disclaimer: We don't own shit.**

* * *

The backstage crew scrambled to get ready for the next scene, and Kiba and LeShawna got to their positions. Sakura, Naruto, and Izzy hid behind a set, preparing for their harmony part of the next number, and Itachi foamed at the mouth once Sasuke walked over.

"SASUKE, YOU FUCKTARD! SHOW SOME EMOTION, OR I WILL KILL YOU, RESSURECT YOU, AND KILL YOU AGAIN!"

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Hold it, ferret-boy!"

Itachi's eye twitched, before he turned around and was met with the sight of two teenaged girls, glaring up at him. One was pale, had hazel eyes, short brown curly hair, and wore black yoga pants and a grey sweater. The other was a couple inches shorter, had dark skin, dark brown eyes, wore a grey wool knit hat and her fringe framed her face nicely. She was more developed than the other teen, and wore a pair of jean shorts, a magenta tank with silvery beads on the bust, and a grey sweater over top, and wore glasses with rectangular lenses, a black frame, and silver rhinestones on the arms; she was grinning maniacally while her partner looked awkward.

"You can't kill Sasuke! Do you know how many trolling fan-girls will maim _us _if you do?" The latter glared, pointing an accusing finger in the older Uchiha's face.

"Uh… Who the hell are you?" Itachi growled, raising an eyebrow.

"Nice going dumbfuck," the pale one sneered, glaring at the hat-wearing one. "He wants to know our names, what do we tell him!"

"Uh… I'm Alex. E. X. And she's bitch- I mean… Hazel J.V." Alex grinned, meekly, as she jerked a thumb at Hazel. Itachi raised the other eyebrow. Hazel glared at Alex.

"Uh… So yeah, don't kill Sasuke! …What are you all standing around here for, get on with the show, bitch!" Alex smiled maniacally before Hazel scribbled something in a notebook she pulled out of her sweater. Itachi turned to Gaara and Gwen; the two shrugged, and when he turned back to the two teens, they were gone.

"Well that was fucked." He muttered to himself, before snapping his gaze at the crew. "Places!"

The actors started to walk on stage, and Itachi illuminated the stage. The crowd applauded as LeShawna and Kiba started to unpack prop boxes.

"Hey Gary! Thanks for helping me move in," he grinned.

LeShawna waved him off and smiled. "No sweat! And look, you got your first set of mail. What's in these boxes? Anything good?"

"Well, my parents sent my stuff from home," Kiba replied.

"How nice! And you also got your rent bill, your utility bill, your student loan bill,

your credit card bill, your phone bill, your cell phone bill..." LeShawna trailed off as she sifted through the mail.

"Oh my God…" Kiba winced.

LeShawna cocked an eyebrow. "You got any money?"

"I start work tomorrow…"

The prop phone began to ring, and before Kiba could answer it, LeShawna grinned and put it up to her ear.

"Gaaaaary Coleman!" She chimed, before waiting a few seconds and handing it to Kiba. "Oh, it's for you."

"Oh, thank you. Hello? Oh, hi!" Kiba grinned, before placing his hand on the mouthpiece and smiling at LeShawna. "It's my job." He turned his attention back to the phone. "I can't wait to meet all of you tomorrow! ... oh, I'm sorry, I can barely hear you.

What's that sound in the background? … A paper shredder! But... the company can't be folding! … Well, how am I suppose to live? …Hello?"

"Oh, kid…" LeShawna frowned. "Don't look so long in the face! You know what they say? If you rearrange the letters in "unemployed" it spells "opportunity"!"

"…What?" Kiba asked, perplexed.

"Here's a bit of advice. Never underestimate the power of long-range planning. If life gets you down don't just sit on your ass and let it pass you by. Take it from someone who learnt it the hard way." LeShawna advised, before scowling. "Gary Coleman."

She exits the scene.

Kiba ponders her words, and cracks a smile. "Maybe this is an opportunity. Maybe I'm not meant to work in some damn office for the rest of my life. Maybe... maybe _I_ have a higher purpose!" He grinned, before looking towards the ceiling.

"What's a purpose?" He inquired.

The audience laughed when elevator music began to play, and a voice responded over the intercom.

"A purpose is direction to your life. It could be a job, or a family. It could be the pursuit of knowledge or wealth. Everybody's purpose is different. The best thing about a purpose is that it gives your life... meaning."

When the music stopped, Kiba grinned at the audience.

"I want a purpose!" He said, as single note filled the air. He began to sing.

"**Purpose,  
it's that little flame  
that lights fire  
under your ass.**

**Purpose,  
it keeps you going strong  
like a car with a full  
tank of gas.**

**Everyone else has  
a purpose**

**So what's mine?**"

Kiba paused, and picked up a penny off of the stage floor, as his brow furrowed. He smiled at the audience.

"Oh look! Here's a penny! It's from the year I was born!"

His grinned widened and he continued to sing.

"**It's a **_**siiiii-ii-iii-iiiiiii-iii-iii-ign**_**!**

**Ba-ba-ba-ba  
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo**

**I don't know how I know,  
but I'm gonna find my purpose.  
I don't know where I'm gonna look!  
But I'm gonna find my purpose!**

**Gotta find out,  
don't wanna wait!  
Got to make sure that my  
life will be great!  
Gotta find my purpose  
before it's too late.**"

"**He's gonna find his purpose...**" Izzy, Sakura, and Naruto harmonized, walking on stage, and doing daily activities such as taking out the garbage and checking their mail.

"**Whoa-oh-whoa!**" Kiba sang. "**I'm gonna find my purpose!**"  
"**(Gotta find his purpose!)**"  
"**He's gonna find his purpose…**" Sakura, Naruto and Izzy chimed.  
"**Yeaaaah, yeah, yeah! I'm gonna find my purpose!**"  
"**(Gotta find his purpose!)**"

"**Could be far, could be near…**" Pondered Kiba.  
"**Ooooooooh…**" Harmonized the trio.  
"**Could take a week,**"  
"**Ooooh oooh…**"  
"**A month, a year…**"  
"**Ooooh, maybe more!**"

"**At a job…**" Kiba sung.  
"**(At a job!)**" Repeated the trio.  
"**Smoking grass…**" Chuckld Kiba.  
"**(Smoking grass!)**"  
"**Maybe at,**"  
"**A pottery class!**" All four sang in unison.  
"**It coooould…**" The trio continued to harmonize.

"**Could it be?**" Wondered Kiba, singing.  
"**(Oooooh…)**"  
"**Yes it could!**"  
"**(Yes it cooould…)**"  
"**Something's comin'!**"  
"**Something, good!**" The four sang together, and the trio harmonized underneath as Kiba sang the melody.

"**Whoa-oh-whoa-oh…**" Chimed the back up singers.  
"**I'm gonna find my purpose, yeah!**" Kiba sang, grinning.  
"**(Gonna find his purpose!)**"

All three back up singers skipped around Kiba, before stopping and pointing at him.

"**You're gonna find your purpose, whoooa!**" They sang.  
"**Whoa-oh-whoa, I'm gonna find my purpose!**"  
"**(Gonna find his purpose!)**" The trio agreed, before going back to their activities as Kiba walked downstage.

"**What will it be?  
Where will it be?  
My purpose in life is a mystery!**"  
"**(Purpose is a mysteryyyy…)**"  
"**Gotta find my purpooooose…**"  
"**Gotta fiiind…**" Sang Naruto.  
"**Gotta fiiiind…**" Izzy joined.  
"**Gotta find…**" Sakura finished off the triad, before all three released their note.  
"**It!**" They exclaimned.  
"**Gotta find me…**" Kiba smiled.

"**You're gonna find your purpose, whoa-oh…**"  
"**Whoa-oh-whoa! I'm gonna find my purpooooooooose!**" Kiba sang over top of them, holding the last note.  
"**Gotta find, it! You're gonna find your purpose…**" The three singers chimed.

"**Purpose, purpose, purpose…**" Kiba sang.  
"**Whoa-oh-whoa-oh…**"  
"**Yeeeeeeah, yeeeaaaah!**"  
"**Gotta fiiiiind…**" The trio harmonized underneath.

"**I gotta find me!**" Kiba grinned, ending the song as the music finished. The audience applauded as the back up singers quickly ran off stage to prepare for the next scene. Izzy quickly changed into a bear costume.

A few moments passed, before Tenten appeared in a window on the second floor of the apartment set on one side.

"My purpose in life is to help people find themselves." She grinned, laying on a thick Japanese accent.

A few moments later, she disappeared and in the window beside hers, Neji appeared and he smiled greedily.

"My purpose in life is to make people laugh, and make money doing it." He snickered, before shutting the window and a scowling LeShawna appeared in the final window, which was on the far right.

"My greatest fear is that I've already achieved my damn purpose in life and from then on

I've been on a slow tiresome walk to the grave…" She harrumphed, and the audience laughed. She slammed the window shut behind her, and as she did so, Sakura exited her fake apartment.

Kiba waved her over. "Oh, hey Kate Monster!" He greeted.

"Princeton! Hi!" She grinned, her face lighting up as she approached him.

"See, Kate. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What's your purpose in life?"

Sakura half-smiled. "Well, I'm a kindergarten teaching assistant."

"Right. But what's your purpose, your dream, your mission?" Kiba questioned.

"No one ever wants to know that…" Sakura murmured, her eyes traveling downcast.

"I do." Kiba replied, placing a hand on her shoulder.

Sakura smiled nervously. "Well, since you ask... I... oh, no, I can't. I barely know you." She giggled.

"Oh, come on!" Kiba pressed, smiling encouragingly.

Sakura's smiled widened, before she walked downstage. The lights dimmed and a single spotlight shone on her.

"Ok. When I was a little monster I always wished I had a special place I could go.

A special school, only for monsters. Sure it's important to learn about the great favors of

western civilization but so much of the canon leaves out monster art and history. And we? Our donation? It was always my dream to start that special school for monsters. So that- in short, is my purpose." She stated, as soft contemporary music accompanied her monologue. The spotlight shut off and the lights were brought back and she walked back over to Kiba.

"Aha," Kiba chuckled.

Sakura instantly panicked. "Oh! But I'm not an egg-head!" She exclaimed. She smiled awkwardly and swung her hands around in an awkward motion. "I like to have fun! …And party…"

"So you _are _eager on the monster stuff, huh." Kiba remarked.

"Aha," Sakura smiled.

"Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster…" Kiba said.

"Right." Sakura nodded.

"You're both monsters." He pointed out.

"Yeah."

"Are you two related?"

Sakura gasped, totally offended by that comment.

"WHAT? Princeton, I'm _surprised _at you! I find that racist!" She snapped.

Kiba gasped. "Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking." He apologized.

"Well it's a touchy subject! No. Not all _monsters _are related." She sniffed. Sakura narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "What are you trying to say, huh? That we all look _the same _to you? Huh? Huh? Huh!"

"No, no, no! Not at all! I'm sorry, I guess that _was_ a little racist." Kiba admitted.

"I should _say _so." She sniped. Sakura began to pace downstage, shaking a scolding finger. "You should be much more careful when you're talking about the sensitive subject of race.

Music began to play as Kiba narrowed his eyes and followed her.

"Well, look who's talking!" He snorted.

"What do you mean?" Sakura frowned.

"What about that special Monster School you told me about?"

"What about it?"

"Could someone like _me _go there?" He drawled.

Sakura furrowed her brow and pointed at him. "No! We don't want people like you—"

"AHA!" Kiba cut in, as Sakura covered her mouth. "You see!" He exclaimed, as the music crescendoed.

"**You're a little bit racist…**" He sang, crossing his arms and turning away from the pink haired woman.

"**Well, you're a little bit, too!**" Sakura countered, frowning.

"**I guess we're both a little bit racist…**"

"**Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...**"

"**But I guess it's true…**" Kiba shrugged.

"**Between me and you, I think-**" Sakura suggested, pointing at him.

"**Everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes.  
Doesn't mean we go around committing hate criiiii-iii-iiiiiimes!**" The two sang.

"YES IT DOES!" Shouted Duncan from offstage.

The music stopped and everything went silent. Sakura glared venomously and stomped off stage, leaving Kiba standing there awkwardly.

Sakura's voice, albeit a bit muffled, could be heard from backstage. "YOU _BAKA!_" She screamed. Duncan's yelps of pain could be heard, as well as Sakura's battle cries and Gwen and Courtney's laughter.

A few moments later, Sakura walked back on smoothing out her costume and hair, totally calm as if nothing had even happened. She brushed off her hands, and smiled at the audience. The music began to play once more.

"**Look around and you will find…**" Sakura began, hinting to Kiba that he was supposed to be singing. Kiba caught on and joined in.

"**No one's really color-blind.  
Maybe it's a fact we all should **_**faaaaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaace!**_**  
Everyone makes judgments...  
Based on race!**" They sang, bobbing their heads side to side.

"Now not _big _judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from," commented Kiba.

"No!" Sakura agreed, waving a hand dismissively.

"Just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys should learn to speak _goddamn_ English!" He shouted, angrily. The audience laughed and clapped in agreement.

"Right!" Sakura nodded, before the pair began to bob their heads to the music again, smiling broadly.

"**Everyone's a little bit racist – today!  
So, everyone's a little bit racist – okaaaaa-aaa-aaaay!  
Ethnic jokes might be uncouth,  
But you laugh because they're based on truth!  
Don't take them as personal attaaaaa-aaa-aaa-aaacks.  
Everyone enjoys them - so relax!**"

"Alright, stop me if you've heard this one before…" Kiba chuckled.

"Okay." Sakura grinned.

"There's a plane going down… "

"Uh huh…"

"There's only one parachute…"

"Hmm…"

"And there's a rabbi, a priest..."

Sakura gasped and grinned, as realization dawned on her. She pointed at Kiba, as LeShawna bounded on stage.

"And a BLACK guy!" She exclaimed.

"Yeah!"

LeShawna glared at them as she marched over, pointing an accusing finger in Sakura's nervous looking face.

"Whatchoo talkin' about Kate!"

"Uh…" The pink haired girl stammered.

"You were telling a _black_ joke!" LeShawna frowned.

"Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes..." Kiba shrugged.

"I don't." She scowled.

"Well of course _you _don't – you're _black!_" Kiba explained, before smiling knowingly. "But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?"

"Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks! Ahahahaha!" LeShawna laughed.

"Now don't you think _that's_ a little racist?" Kiba remarked.

LeShawna stopped laughing, and thought for a moment before frowning slightly.

"Well, damn… I guess you're right." She replied.

"**You're a little bit racist…**" Sakura said, elbowing LeShawna in the forearm.

"**Well **_**you're **_**a little bit too!**" LeShawna responded, pointing at her.

"**We're all a little bit racist!**" Kiba sang.

"**I think that I would have to agree with you…**" LeShawna nodded.

"**We're glad you do!**" Sakura and Kiba smiled slyly, elbowing her in her sides simultaneously, as she stood in the middle of them.

"**It's sad but true!**" LeShawna exclaimed. "**Everyone's a little bit racist… alright.**"

"**Alright.**" Sakura agreed.

"**Alright.**" Kiba added.

"**Alright! Bigotry has never been exclusively whiiiiiii-iii-iiiite!**" LeShawna belted, bobbing her head to the music with Kiba and Sakura.

"**If we all could just admit,  
That we are racist, a little bit,  
Even though we all know that it's wrong,  
Maybe it would help us, get along!**" They all sang.

"Christ, do I feel good!" Kiba grinned.

"Now _there _was a fine upstanding black man…" LeShawna sighed happily and walked downstage a few paces.

Kiba furrowed his brow confusedly. "Who?"

"Jesus Christ," she replied.

Sakura rolled her eyes and walked over to LeShawna. "But Gary… Jesus was white."

"No, Jesus was black." LeShawna countered.

"No, Jesus was _white._" Sakura said, laughing slightly.

"No, I'm _pretty _Jesus was black!" LeShawna glared.

"Guys, guys!" Kiba intervened. He held there attention for a few seconds, before continuing. "_Jesus_, was _Jewish…_"

All three of them laughed, before Neji walked on stage and smiled at them.

"Hey guys, what are you laughing about?" He asked, meeting them.

"Racism!" LeShawna chortled.

"Cool!"

"BRIAN!" Tenten screeched from offstage. "Come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!"

Neji snapped his fingers and scowled, before starting to walk back to his and Tenten's apartment.

"What's that mean?" Kiba asked, stifling laughter.

"Um. Recyclables." Neji replied, turning to him. The other three broke down into more laughter, and Neji glared at them. "Hey! Don't laugh at her! How many languages do _you _speak!"

"Oh come off it, _Brian!_" Sakura waved him off, before walking over to him. "**Everyone's a little bit racist…**" She sung.

"I'm not!" Neji denied.

"Oh no?" Kiba asked, unbelievingly.

"Nope!" Neji crossed his arms.

"Ha!" Kiba scoffed. Tenten walked on stage, up behind Neji.

"**How many oriental wives, have **_**you **_**got?**" Neji sang, making Tenten gasp and punch his shoulder.

"WHAT? _BRIAN!_" She exclaimed.

"**Brian, buddy, where you been? **

**The term is Asian-American!**" Kiba stated, motioning to Tenten as she frowned, feeling offended at Neji's words.

"**I know you are no intending to beeeeeee-eee-eee-eeeee!  
But calling me 'oriental'?**" Tenten sang, before scowling and using air quotes on the word 'oriental' "**Offensive to me!**"

Neji winced, before turning and grabbing Tenten's hands softly.

"I'm sorry honey!" He apologized. "I _love_ you!"

Tenten's expression softened, and one couldn't tell whether she was acting or not anymore when she smiled softly at him. "And I love _you…_" She smiled.

"But you're racist, too." Neji smirked.

"Yes. I know." Teneten smiled. She walked downstage before starting her solo, and more Japenese sounding music played underneath her voice.

"**The Jews have all the money!  
And the whites have all the power!  
And I'm always in taxi-cab,  
With driver who no shower!**" She sang, before scowling.

"Me too!" Kiba remarked, walking over to her. Neji followed.

"Me too!" Sakura gasped, walking over to her as well.

" I CAN'T EVEN _GET _A TAXI!" LeShawna exclaimed angrily, throwing her hands up in the air as she joined the four others. The five began to walk forwards and backwards as they leaned forwards and back to accompany each motion.

"**Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true.  
But everyone is just about as racist as yooooo-ooo-ooou!**" They sang, and pointed in different directions at the audience. They began a kick line.

"**If we all could just admit  
That we are racist a little bit,  
And everyone stopped being so P.C.!  
Maybe we could live in – harmonyyyy-yyyyyy!**" They harmonized.

"**Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!**" Tenten sang, ending the song as they all grinned and posed.

The audience erupted into a thunderous applause, and most of the cast walked off stage, only leaving Kiba. Izzy and Edward prepared to go on at any give moment.

"Alright everyone, prepare for scene five!" Itachi ordered into his headset, as the actors that had just gotten off stage got their make up touched up on. Things were going well, but for how long?, he pondered, the mysterious and strange teenage girls still on his mind.

* * *

**Alex: THERE! HAPPY?**

**Hazel: Yes. Very. Now, was that so hard?**

**Alex: Go fuck yourself.**

**Hazel: -_-**

**Alex: Now, if you want Secrets Are Overrated, and Bitch Please updated, GO YELL AT HAZEL, BECAUSE SHE'S BEING A LAZY SHIT AND NOT UPDATING THEM.**

**Hazel: AT LEAST I DIDN'T TAKE FOUR MONTHS…**

**Alex: YET!**

**Hazel: Shut up! Now, please review-**

**Alex: Or I will KILL you.**

**Hazel: ALEX! *grabs her ear and drags her away* STOP BEING A BITCH! *smiles at readers* Please review.**

**Alex: *out of breath* Or I'll-**

**Hazel: SHUT UP!**


End file.
